The perfect hunting dog

I mentioned in my last entry that I have a penchant for the exotic, but I have a practical side too. On my future farm I would like goats so I can make goat's milk soap (which is the most divine and luxurious soap there is). I want bee hives for honey and wax (and pollination, of course). I plan on raising rabbits for fiber and meat, and I will have a hunting dog. 

I grew up with dogs. When I was very young my parents had a little Pomeranian-Poodle mix named Toto and a huge Newfoundland named Bruno, but they were old and passed not long after I began school. Then my dad wanted to get a grouse hunting dog. I was 7 years old and obsessed with 101 Dalmatians at the time and wanted one of those black and white spotted dogs more than anything. What we got was a black and white spotted English Springer Spaniel puppy. I picked the runt of the litter (with a tail docked a little too short), and named her Rosie.

Not actually Rosie, but she looked similar!

Rosie was a special dog. My dad was raising her during the low end of the grouse cycle so there weren't many birds around to chase, and though we took her hunting and she went through the motions, she never found a bird. Instead, she developed a love for rocks. She wasn't a big fan of tennis balls, but if you rubbed a rock in your hand and threw it into the woods, in a few minutes she'd come back with the same rock and bark at you until you threw it again. Carrying rocks actually rubbed her lower canine teeth down to stubs, but we couldn't get her to stop. She was also the happiest dog ever and her tiny tail was vibrating almost constantly.

Springers are better suited to hunting for things like pheasant in open fields since the dog is used to scare ground birds into flight. They're called flushing dogs for that reason, as opposed to pointing dogs. The third type of gun dog is the retriever. While I loved Rosie, I don't think the hunting style of the breed works as well for ruffed grouse - especially early in the season when the brush is thick.

These birds can disappear in seconds.

I decided long ago that when it was time for me to get my own hunting dog, I was getting a breed that points. I hunt for meat and prefer to shoot birds on the ground as opposed to sport hunting "on the fly," where the chance of missing is higher. Hunting grouse on the ground also offers the least amount of suffering possible, and that's important to me. 

There are several options when it comes to pointing breeds. There is a breed actually called the Pointer, but I'm not a big fan of short-coated dogs. Brittany Spaniels look like red-brown Springers and they hunt like pointers, though they tend to be hyper and I also prefer a dog with a long tail.

Enter the setter. There are several breeds of setter that look slightly different but hunt much the same way. Gordon Setters are large and mostly black with brown features. Irish Setters are a rich, classic red. Irish Red and White Setters are gorgeous, but rare and expensive. Llewellin English Setters are perfect. 

My, what a big tongue you have!

Like many working dogs, the English Setter has two breed types that are still considered the same breed - show and field. Llewellin Setters are field type English Setters that have been specially bred for generations to possess strong instinctual hunting skills. They also have a slightly different, more attractive look.

Tricolors are my favorite.

They're my perfect hunting dog. They're beautiful, intelligent, loving animals that don't have the hyper qualities of the Spaniels nor the size or restrictive coloration of the Gordon. They also apparently make good watch dogs, and that's important when you want to raise animals that need to be protected from other animals. 

Did I mention they're adorable?

It took some time, but I convinced Jordan that this is the dog for us. We're both fans of the Irish Red and White Setter too, and there happens to be a breeder in Duluth, but they're a little too expensive. Llewellins are around $800 themselves. A hunting dog will likely be the first major animal purchase we make after we move to MN, once we're settled and ready for the commitment. 

You might be asking, "Why drop that kind of money on a dog when you can adopt one at a shelter?" For a family pet I'm all about adopting and  highly encourage it, but when you're getting a dog that helps you do a job, there are other things to consider, and the difference is in the breeding. I don't mind paying more for the assurance that the dog comes from a strong hunting line, and I look forward to the incredible journey that is working with and training a puppy to become not just a beloved companion, but a working dog that can help us put dinner on the table. 

Jordan has expressed an interest in a corgi as a future dog. Maybe when we have a group of reindeer to herd...

Raising Reindeer

I've always had an interest in the exotic - things that are different from "normal." It might be because I have always thought of myself as weird and misunderstood, so I form an automatic kinship with other people, animals, and objects that fit that description. After all, I keep rats and snakes as pets. Both are still considered unconventional, though rats are less exotic now. Jordan and I hope to have a (descented) skunk someday as well, and other reptiles.

When it comes to planning my farm I can't settle for what's popular or average. I need something different. Sure, Rhode Island Reds are a great popular chicken breed, but Cream Legbars, Swedish Flower Hens, Kraienkoppes, and Marans are so much more unique and interesting! On that note, why keep sheep or cattle or horses when I can raise reindeer? Not that there's anything wrong with those other animals, but I'm drawn to what's different.

When I discovered reindeer (aka domesticated caribou) are actually a popular "exotic" farm animal, I was hooked. They thrive in northern climates, which is an important consideration when you intend to farm in Minnesnowta. Their calm, sweet demeanor make them great pets. They can be used for a variety of purposes, and money can be made by "renting" them out to be displayed at businesses petting zoo style, pulling small sleighs, and traveling to holiday events (or schools). Their naturally shed antlers can be sold or made into value-added products. Some farms raise them for meat. While reindeer sausage and jerky is probably delicious, I'm thinking of going more the showing and breeding route.

Look at those antlers!

I've always liked deer. My mom used to feed whitetails in the winter and some got very tame. They would follow me around the yard when I had the feed bucket. It was fascinating to watch their social dynamics and sometimes they would bed down and sleep in the yard. It was around then that I started thinking about what it would be like to have my own little farm someday, and I got to thinking about how some farms raise elk and bison, but reindeer didn't cross my mind until recently.

I've always loved the holiday season. The family celebrations and giving spirit are wonderful. I love the decorations - the wreaths, trees, sparkling lights, sleigh bells and holiday displays. Having reindeer is a way to connect with the spirit of the season in a big way, and spread some holiday cheer. 

I'm intimidated by the size of horses and I haven't spent very much time around them (though I would like to in the future). Reindeer are livestock of a very manageable size, and they fence easily. I like the idea of carting and sleigh pulling though, and reindeer can do that just as well - you just need more of them. Or they can pull a person on skis or a small sled. This site says reindeer can pull twice their body weight but I'm not sure how accurate that is. I have more research to do.

These are what I would call my ultimate goal animals, and having them is still at least 6-8 years away, if not more. A Google search revealed several reindeer farms in Minnesota and Wisconsin I can potentially visit and learn more about their care from, as well as eventually buy young reindeer. Gotta have long term goals, right? :)

Here are 11 things you might not know about reindeer and some more general information.

If you're interested in learning more (and seeing more pictures) these are the reindeer farms I found:

Crystal Collection Reindeer

Kendallville Farm

Reindeer Games

Eight Tiny Reindeer

Blessed Yule, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Berry Obsession

I used to say I could live on berries and beef jerky.

I don't think I ever believed that was true, but they are still two of my favorite foods. Venison jerky is pretty great too, but this blog post is all about the berries.

I spent a good portion of my childhood in berry patches. During northern Minnesota summers berries grow wild everywhere. Strawberries are the first to ripen, followed by raspberries and blueberries later. Those three are the most well known, but there are also wild currants, gooseberries, dewberries, and thimble berries (and juneberries, and pin cherries...). It's a very "fruitful" state!

I spent a lot of time at my grandparents' house while I was growing up, which is where my parents live now. It's a small house with a big yard just a few miles outside Grand Marais. They had an upper and lower garden full of tame raspberry bushes that grew berries the size of quarters. There are still a few bushes there, though it has overgrown. I took this photo last summer.

There was also a big, beautiful tame gooseberry bush - which may be my favorite berry, if I had to choose. A gooseberry is difficult to describe to someone who doesn't know what they are, but they're delicious, almost like a sweet grape without any bitterness. They start out green and sour, but tame ones get big and purple-red when ripe (wild ones are smaller and dark purple). 

Not my pic, I Googled it.

Unfortunately my dad destroyed the gooseberry bush and most of the raspberry garden to make space to put a garage. I was pretty bummed about it for a while, but I don't hold it against him. The memory only fuels my desire to recreate the glorious bush in my own yard someday. 

My folks owned a trailer court, cabins, and campground while I was growing up. We had wild strawberries growing in our front yard and wild raspberry bushes around the campground and by the frog pond on state land next door. Back behind the trailer court a road led to a couple more properties until it finally ended at state forest land - and the berry hill.

Many times each summer I would hike up to the berry hill. Strawberries and raspberries were everywhere. I would pack up a lunch, usually a sandwich and a Surge, and enjoy my fill of berries. Sometimes I would bring a container full home, but mostly I just ate them like a hungry, greedy bear. Once in a while my mom would come along and we'd pick berries to make jam.

The first plants I tried growing in a garden were strawberries. I had a little raised bed next to the pump house that supplied well water to the campground. I weeded them and took care of them for a couple years, but over time I lost interest and weeds took over. The berries they gave me were wonderful, though. There's nothing like the taste of sun-ripened fruit you've grown yourself. 

These memories and many more like them are the driving force behind my goals and dreams for my future homestead. I'm going to have a berry farm. These two strawberry plants growing on my balcony are the beginning of that dream.

I like the idea of having a "pick your own" style berry farm, or at the very least have enough plants that I can bring berries to the farmer's market each week. I will have the traditional strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries, but also gooseberries and currants. Berries will be my primary focus because they're what I know and love most. I'm starting small and dreaming big.

Someday I'm going to be sitting outside my home, admiring my berry garden and chewing on some venison jerky from a deer I shot myself. I'll look back on this blog post with a smile. To that future me, I say congratulations! I knew you could do it. 

The list

What I call "the list" is a series of plans and dreams for the future. This is a list of animals I hope to have (both pets and livestock), as well as the plants I intend to grow. I will start small and continually work my way up to the larger critters and homesteading goals. I have not yet decided what breeds or varieties to keep in most cases, but as I do I will refine the list and change it as I see fit.

I'll go into more depth for some of these in future blog posts.

Animals

What I have now: 

Cat (back in MN) - Willow
Rats - Raven, Misty, and Poe
Boa constrictors - Orion, Kitty, Tiamat, Desert Ross, Legacy, Phoenix, Bacon, Hera, and Luna

Corn snake - Nathara

What I want:
Dog - Llewellyn setter, for grouse hunting
Cat - Siberian
Skunk 

Chickens
Turkeys

Rabbits
Bees

Goats

Long term goals:
Reindeer (yes, reindeer)

Plants

What I have now:
Rosemary
Strawberries

What I want:
More cooking herbs (basil, oregano, thyme, etc.)
Lettuce and other greens
Tomatoes
Carrots
Broccoli
Potatoes
Peas
Cucumber
Onions/Chives
Rhubarb
Squash and zucchini
Pumpkins
Apple trees
Raspberries
Currants
Gooseberries
Blueberries

Long term goals:
Berry farm


Ultimate farm goal: Sell produce and farm products at the farmer's market, breed and sell animals, grow and provide much of my own food for myself and my family, and live a life close to nature and in tune with the seasons. If possible, someday I would love to run a small bed and breakfast at the farm as well.

It's a big list, but I know each and every one of these things is attainable if I work hard and stay focused. Big things are coming!

Endings Lead to New Beginnings - A Rat Story

I have never known life without pets.

My living space has always been filled with a menagerie of critters since I was very young. I had your standard cats and dogs, but at different times I've also kept rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, mice, fish, bugs, tadpoles, frogs, toads, salamanders, snakes, and rats. 

Rats are still considered unconventional pets by some, and feared by others. It's interesting to me how some people think hamsters are adorable, but find rats disgusting. Is it the long scaly tail? Their (wrongful) association with disease? Stigmas aside, the truth is rats make wonderful pets, and there are even dedicated rat shows the same way there are dog and cat shows - they have quite a following.

They're also a lot like us. They're omnivorous so they can share in almost any food we eat (even small amounts of chocolate). They need the company of other rats to thrive and will sleep together and groom each other in a social hierarchy that's fascinating to watch.

They're also adorable.

My boyfriend Jordan hasn't had many pets in his life, mainly due to allergies and asthma. When I moved in with him he came to terms with the fact he would be living with a cat when we move back to MN - I'm pretty sure I can't live long without one, and I left my kitty Willow back in MN with my parents temporarily. He decided it was a good time to get back on his medication.

I moved in with Jordan during April 2013, and while I had my snakes (they're a pet for a different blog entry) and a beta fish, I was feeling a void that needed to be filled by something cute and fuzzy. I brought up the idea of a small animal pet and suggested we get a couple rats. I was mildly surprised when he said yes. He didn't know then what an impact these little critters can have, but he does now.

I looked up a local breeder and soon we were the proud owners of two baby dumbo rats. Jordan named his blue and white variegated "Sassy," and I named my black Berkshire "Raven." The term "dumbo" refers to their lower, larger ears - a genetic trait some pet rats carry.

See? Adorable!

We bonded deeply with the rats, but Jordan especially so since this was the first time in a long while he had a pet he could call his own. We were also battling depression, and the love exchanged between rat and human was a rare thing that could dissolve the worst of bad days. 

However, it wasn't long before we noticed there was something different about Sassy. She seemed like she was developing more slowly. Raven would bound and hop and run, and Sassy would slowly walk or crawl, always a couple steps behind. As she got older her conditioned worsened, and soon she wasn't able to walk straight. She acted as though she were drunk, falling forward or to the side while trying to walk the line. Still, she was able to function normally otherwise, and we affectionately nicknamed her "Wobbles."

We weren't sure what was causing her condition. The breeder offered that since she had a cold when she was a baby, she may have never fully recovered from an ear infection, and that could be causing the wobble. When one of her eyes began to bulge however, we figured the likely culprit was a pituitary tumor. 

Months passed and there seemed to be no change for better or worse. Sassy wobbled about and doted on Raven. Since Raven was stronger and faster, she quickly established herself as queen of the cage and would steal food from her handicapped sister. Sassy never seemed to mind.

One day in PetCo, Jordan and I came across a deal we couldn't pass up - a rat manor cage, usually running near $100, was on sale for $20. This was a high quality cage with a full metal bottom, and it was staring at us for a fraction of what even a used one would cost. We took the upgrade home, and the rats loved it.

Of course with more space, it wasn't long before we decided to add to our rat family. We picked out two new female rat babies from a different local breeder and named them Misty and Poe.

More adorable!

I kick myself for not doing a longer quarantine period. After introductions were made and all four rats were in the rat manor, everyone came down with the sniffles. Respiratory infections in rats are very common and most rats carry the virus, with flare ups happening from time to time. Everyone got over the illness, but it left Sassy with a severely bulging eye that had begun to bleed. She showed signs of pain - swaying and staring at a corner of the cage, away from other rats. We brought her to a vet who confirmed our suspicions - a brain tumor was the likely culprit. During the examination her eye started bleeding again, and we talked about putting her down.

Having very little money at the time (barely enough for the vet visit), Jordan had researched humane at-home euthanasia methods and felt confident in his ability to provide a comfortable passing if it ever became necessary. We brought her home, and we were so glad we did.

After the vet visit, Sassy showed remarkable signs of improvement. Her eye shrunk down to half its normal size and the tissue looked healthy. She no longer showed signs of pain and began sleeping with the other rats again. I was in awe. What an incredible, inspiring creature she was!

Jordan and Sassy

Another few months went by without incident. As Poe got bigger, she started squabbling with Raven for dominance. Misty and Sassy were always sweet. 

About a month ago Sassy developed another respiratory infection and we treated her with antibiotics, which we mixed into a tasty food that she would readily lick off of a spoon. It seemed like the illness had run its course, but soon it was back with a vengeance and we continued treatment. She was very thin, and her good eye had started to bulge. I knew what was coming.

Last week her breathing had become more labored. On Friday she was barely able to lick the spoon to take her medicine. She wanted nothing more than to be held, and Jordan and I took turns letting her sleep in our arms. When we tried to place her in the cage, she used every bit of her strength to scramble back to the cage door and into our hands again. 

At close to 2 AM, I placed her into one of her favorite boxes in the cage, and whispered goodbye. She never left the box.

It was a sad morning, though we were also relieved. Sassy was no longer struggling. Jordan and I discussed what to do with her body. We decided months earlier that we would not be feeding any of our pet rats to the snakes. I suggested burying her somewhere around the apartment complex, maybe in between some plants that aren't likely to be landscaped any time soon. He favored the idea of burying her in a pot as he'd read about on some FB rat groups, and after some thought I agreed.

I've wanted to start an outdoor potted garden for a while in preparation for this whole homesteading idea (have to start somewhere, right?). We decided a rosemary bush would be fitting, and I picked up a couple strawberry plants as well. 

After the burial Jordan lit a candle and we said a few words. Later we made a little tombstone and placed it in front of the rosemary. Jordan originally wrote the letters in Sharpie, and then I went over them with white acrylic paint. After spraying the stone with a matte finishing spray, the letters turned purple. 

Sassy Plant

Sassy will continue to live on as this rosemary grows. It's a fitting, poetic statement about the cycle of death and rebirth, and we will likely continue this tradition as we face the inevitable pet deaths to come (that's the biggest drawback to rats - even the healthiest rarely live past age three). 

Sassy's death allowed for the beginning of my homesteading project, and everything we use this rosemary for in the future will have Sassy's memory attached. 

Thanks, little girl. You were a wonderful wobbly rat, and I'll miss you.

Gainful Employment

I meant to update here much sooner (and will stick to a weekly schedule shortly), but a stressful, exciting, fortunate and unfortunate chain of events has occurred since this blog's creation that still has me spinning. This entry is long. I'm sorry. They will be much shorter in the future, I promise!

I've been struggling with money for a while in an attempt to pursue art as a career (the subject of a future post, I'm sure). A long time procrastinator, I had left a costume project a year in the making off until two weeks before the agreed upon deadline. My focus for the month of November was finishing and mailing this costume, though financial pressures had me stressed until I finally threw my hands up and browsed craigslist job ads, looking for any position I might be qualified for.

I silently admitted to myself that art alone wasn't cutting it - I needed a real job, something part time with steady hours and a schedule that would allow me to get my life and my future back on track. I didn't want to work customer service again, or run a cash register, but I was willing to do what it took to turn things around. What skills did I have? I browsed different job categories. Cook? No. Bartender? No. Bud tender? Maybe... but without reliable personal transportation, that was out too. Exotic dancer? Hahaha, oh Los Angeles.

With no car (and no desire to drive in this city), working from home was the best option I could hope for. If I couldn't find something I could either do from home or take a bus to, I decided I would seek employment at one of the many establishments near the apartment in some sort of customer service position. But first I needed to explore my skills.

If only walking on rainbows were more lucrative.

I'm a good writer. It feels weird typing that, and even weirder saying it out loud. I'm a college drop-out (not by choice - by financial reasons), but after changing my mind multiple times, my third and last major was English: Creative and Professional Writing and the one I most wanted to finish. I fell in love with writing in grade school and wrote in a journal often. In high school I was the only one in my class to receive a perfect score on the 10th grade writing test, even though I didn't apply myself well enough to be placed in Advanced English and finished school in the middle of my class. I simply love language, and what it can do.

I can't call myself a great writer, but I'm good. Upon admitting that to myself and mustering up a little self confidence, I browsed writing jobs on craigslist and applied to one that stood out - an ad seeking a "badass blogger." Now that sounded like a job I could do!

I have no resume, though it was not required. A simple email started the interview process. The first stage made sure I knew how to follow directions. The second, an evaluation of title writing skills. The third, a test of writing and summation skills and some getting-to-know-you questions. The last? An interview via Skype. I had never done anything like this before, and the use of Skype for work was something that never crossed my mind. Web-based companies actually exist? You just don't think about these things growing up in a tiny remote town in Northeastern Minnesota.

Tiny, remote and beautiful.

I was nervous. My last interview had been for a housekeeping position back in MN, a second job I took while I was working for the Visitor Information Center to help make ends meet before I moved back to California. I was far more nervous for this one, mainly because I felt I was unqualified without a college degree to vouch for my credibility. I prepared a list of possible interview questions and my responses. My nerves made me sick to my stomach.

During the interview I fumbled my speech a bit and lost track of my thoughts, but overall it went fine, and at the end of it I was glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and pursued it, no matter the outcome. The work sounded wonderful though, and definitely something I could do (and do well). Still, I felt a little silly later for uttering the words "dream job," even though I spoke the truth. I realized that if I did get this position it would basically solve all my current problems. All of them. I was grateful for the opportunity.

When I received an email offering me the position it didn't fully register. Did skills really just beat paperwork? Did I really have those skills and qualifications? Apparently I did. I was going to work as a writer for a marketing company for more per hour than I'd ever made before. Even as a part time position this was a dream come true. I'm not sure how many times I said "holy shit" that morning, but it was a lot.

It felt kinda like this. (Bad perspective - that fish was huge!)

I love the job. I summarize news articles and write commentaries on different subjects based on the kind of business the blog is for. I'm really interested in some - for example, writing about the holidays for a Christmas tree company is super fun - and others with subjects I'm less familiar with are more challenging (writing about electrical work, for example).

Another thing I love about the job is I learn new things every day. Did you know there are renewable energy systems that make cooking gas from biomass (aka plant and animal waste, including human poop)? How about periodontal disease being directly linked to heart disease, fungal infections, and erectile dysfunction? The world is a fascinating place, and my job allows me to explore it further and get paid for it. Love it!

Unfortunately because of the job training and new work I did not have as much time to finish the costume as I planned for. Also my boyfriend's mother Wendy visited us from across the country for a few days after Thanksgiving, and I enjoyed spending time with her and her friend Ellen (and wish I could have spent more). Hard as I tried to get the costume done in time for the commissioner's convention, I just could not justify sacrificing quality for speed. I offered a $200 refund for missing the deadline, which I thought was very fair (the costume was nearly $1k). I now have until spring to finish it, but I intend to much sooner.

In conclusion, bills are slowly getting paid and art is slowly getting done, but progress is happening. There's still some financial catching up to do (as well as an art commission backlog), but goals are glowing brightly once again!

The Beginning

They say the best place to start is the beginning, but deciding where beginnings begin and where endings end is tricky business.

If where I'm sitting typing this today is my beginning, then my story starts in a small expensive apartment in the San Fernando Valley near Los Angeles, California. I live with my boyfriend, our four pet rats, a corn snake, and a collection of boa constrictors I keep and breed. We share our apartment with a roommate we rarely see. We have a very small kitchen with the essentials. There's a balcony complete with a couch and a gas grill overlooking the Holiday Inn across a noisy city street lined with Chinese flame trees. There's a swimming pool and lounge area in the middle of the apartment complex. The weather is almost always clear and sunny. For some people, this is paradise. I can't wait to leave.

I spent most of my 28 years in the wild northern forests of Minnesota. I grew up with Lake Superior a short walk from my front door and endless woods and rivers out the back. I attended college straight out of high school knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to be a park naturalist, educating the public about the local natural wonders I was so passionate about. I attended conferences and made connections while soaking up knowledge, writing papers and giving presentations. I was a couple classes and an internship away from my degree when I changed my mind and headed down a different path, one that would change everything. I transferred schools and pursued a psychology major, art minor. I made it one semester before being diagnosed with pseudotumor cerebri and getting stuck in California while visiting my long distance boyfriend, which ultimately led to me moving there where I continued school and changed my major a second time.

I don't think I'm a gifted individual, but I never had to try very hard to do well in school. I excelled in a variety of subjects and was eager to learn about everything (except math, though I finally conquered Algebra II in college with an A). My parents always told me "try your best," but when I realized I could keep on the honor roll with little effort, I got lazy. Had I really given it my best I'm sure the course of my life would have played out differently, but I don't dwell on regrets - that's no way to live. Being good at many subjects was an asset in school (and likely the underlying reason why I didn't want college to end), but it has proven to be my biggest hurdle outside of the classroom. When I decided to leave parks and recreation behind I had no idea I was opening myself to a tumultuous, overwhelming world of possibilities and directions, or that I would end up in California (twice). When I discovered I could be good at just about anything I put my mind to, I had trouble choosing which path to take. This indecisiveness still plagues me today. 

It was a relationship that brought me to California where I saw the ocean for the first time, though after visiting London in 11th grade I was no stranger to travel - I loved it. His family was very well off, and I was soon swept away on an adventure, able to experience things I'd never dreamed of. We traveled to Vegas and the Grand Canyon, to Joshua Tree and Sequoia National Parks. We went fishing on the ocean, which I quickly learned was far different than any fishing I'd done before. I had no idea until later just how much new perspective on the world I received during this time, after spending my life in a tiny town in the woods, more than 100 miles from a city. When I moved in with him and his family in 2008 I began honing my art skills, taking commissions and dealing my art at conventions. His generous family paid for my medical care and my college tuition as I majored in English with an emphasis on creative writing. I spent two years living in a large house on a big hill with a backyard pool on the edge of the San Fernando Valley, and despite all of the incredible experiences I was so grateful for, I was depressed, and my pseudotumor relapsed largely in part to me not taking care of myself.

The situation turned sour as I realized a life in southern California was not the life I was meant to live, and though I fully appreciated the financial support and wonderful experiences, I still felt guilty and undeserving. Driving anxiety left me without a license or means of transport outside of my boyfriend, and I felt trapped until I finally made the choice to move back to MN. I hoped to continue my college study at the school I left before moving, though due to financial issues I was never able to return. It would be another year of long distance relationship struggles before I finally broke up with my California boyfriend of five years, which still remains one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

I finally got my license, and when I did I couldn't believe I'd been without it for so long. I spent the next couple years living in a cabin alone with my cat and my snakes, which became a sort of therapy. I worked at the visitor information center in the tiny town I grew up in, and as a housekeeper at a couple lodges with cabins 10 miles down the road. I worked on art, trying desperately to make creating things a viable income. I was spinning my wheels. I had trouble accepting I couldn't go back to college, and I continued to battle depression. It was my first dose of living in the real world on my own terms, and though I had help and support from my parents and friends and I enjoyed living on my own, things were hard and I was indecisive on what I wanted to do.

My return to California came about the same way as the first - a relationship. This time it was also a rescue mission. A Midwest transplant himself, Jordan expressed an eager desire to leave SoCal and move north. We decided that if I moved back to California and in with him for a year, we could support each other toward a common goal - us living together in northern Minnesota. We could save each other. I weighed the pros and cons, and made my choice.

So here we are. It's year two, and we're stuck. After a much needed but expensive morale boosting trip up north this summer, we're currently broke. We plan to move next summer, or as soon as possible. I'm not sure how we're going to do it, but we are, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I think writing this blog will help in a big way.

They say it's not about the destination, it's about the journey, but the destination is the driving force - the motivation. My destination and motivation is a north woods homestead farm where we grow our own food, keep and breed animals, and live close to the cycles of nature. I haven't been this sure of what to do in life since the months leading up to my first year of college, and no matter what I end up pursuing job-wise, it will all go toward this goal. I'm realistic - having a farm is still a few years off - but it's time to start planning now. I think the motivation that results from maintaining this blogging venture is going to help make the goal a reality. I have much to learn, and much to do. This is my journey back to the north woods.

Pincushion Mountain near Grand Marais, MN